The Challenges of Divorce

When this new reality is fully acknowledged and the rays of hope start to dim, the grief over the loss of the relationship and the anxiety about the uncertain future takes hold. Divorces are difficult not only because of the emotional anguish they cause, but also because they force you to reckon with the myriad changes that your life will undergo throughout, and even after, the divorce. This sudden whirlwind of chaos and dysfunction is extremely disorienting, even if the divorce itself may have been amicable. The drawn-out process of divorce – splitting up assets and personal belongings, terminating joint contracts, relocating, and finding work – piles up exhaustion on a mind that is already drained from all the emotional turmoil. 

Even after the legal and practical matters are taken care of, there still remains a new life to adjust to. Without a spouse, all the couple-related activities are gone; friends are forced to pick sides, and some just decide to leave; family members of the spouse that were previously very close may choose to withdraw because of the awkwardness. The ambiguity about what remains of the social network after the divorce can be deeply unsettling, causing a profound sense of loneliness, rejection, and embitterment. 

The future may seem bleak, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be. The pain you may be feeling cannot be denied, but this juncture in life also affords you an opportunity for change. You can use the autonomy to enrich your social life with new friends, pick up new hobbies or work-related skills, develop greater awareness of yourself, and do things that lead to personal growth. Change feels daunting, but moving on requires you to embrace it, chisel away the negativity, and architect a happier, richer future for yourself. 

Allow yourself to mourn

The breakdown of a marriage is a devastating experience. In order to heal, you must allow yourself to feel despair, anger, wretchedness, and all the other harrowing emotions. Hasting to move on will, in fact, keep you trapped in the darkness. You might feel overwhelmed initially, but the pain will ease over time. Process your emotions bit by bit and take your time. 

Seek support from loved ones

There will be times when you feel the need to vent your anger or find a shoulder to cry on. Close friends and family can be indispensable resources – they can listen to you with empathy, offer you emotional and practical support, and even help with day-to-day tasks. Remember that you do not have to deal with your struggles alone. 

Prioritize yourself

Divorce can shake your sense of identity and make you question if you’re the same person post-divorce. You can leverage this to build a new identity that is more aligned with your needs, desires, and preferences than your ex’s. This is a good time to evaluate your needs and goals, carve out a new routine, and establish new plans that will boost your personal growth. 

Take care of your health

When sadness comes knocking at your door, it is easy to give in and turn to alcohol or drugs to escape the heartache. Tempting as it may be, this is not a solution. To better process your emotions, you need to eat healthily, get enough sleep, and exercise. Good health will further boost your self-esteem and provide you the mental bandwidth to assess your situation objectively and approach life with optimism. 

Seek out new friends

After a divorce, it is not uncommon for mutual friends to pick one partner over the other. Some of your friendships might have broken, and the best way to fill that void is to find new friends. Socializing may seem tiring, but there are ways to get to know new people easily. You could choose to volunteer for a cause, take a class in an activity you enjoy, or simply invite a colleague to coffee. Socializing will help you beat loneliness and gain you some kind and interesting friends. 

Pick up new hobbies

When you’re married, your hobbies and interests can blend into your spouse’s. And you may have given up certain activities you enjoyed because your spouse disapproved of them or found them boring. Now that you have complete freedom to try out new things, you can cultivate hobbies and interests that make you happy. It can be something simple like cooking, something adventurous like rock climbing, or any creative avenue like painting, writing or even reading. Anything that promotes a sense of renewal and allows you to have fun and relax is a good choice. 

Travel to someplace new

The divorce process is extremely taxing, and getting used to the novelty of life after divorce can be tough. To take a break from the relentless stresses and upheavals the divorce causes, you could take a trip to someplace you always wanted to visit; even a short trip to a nearby city will do. You can go solo and unwind or invite your friends for a fun trip. Some distance from all the familiar places can also spark introspection along with the excitement of discovering a new place. 

Shed your old identity

When we’re in a relationship, we mold a certain identity that is integrated with our partners. Being single again can make us question who we are. After the divorce, you have the opportunity to cultivate your individual identity and nurture your unique attributes. The ideal way forward is to rediscover what makes you happy, what you excel at, and what you want your life to mean. This will propel you to do more of what you value and envision a future that makes you proud of yourself. 

Give romance another shot

Once you feel free of the clutches of your past relationship and reach a state of acceptance and emotional stability, it might be a good idea to explore the dating landscape again. You need not look for deep and intense relationships right off the bat, nor would it be wise. But a thoughtful and caring companion can lift up your spirits and revive your hope in romantic relationships. 

While our past experiences invariably shape us and govern our behavior in the future, we have it within us to let go of negative experiences, learn from our past mistakes, and approach the future with wisdom and hope. 

Seeking Professional Help

Divorce is an unbearably difficult experience to go through, and the transition to life after divorce can be extremely intimidating. If you are experiencing deep and pervasive grief, anger, or feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or hopelessness, a mental health professional could help you learn how to process and cope with difficult emotions. A therapist can provide compassionate guidance and a safe space for you to express your worries and anxieties without being judged. Therapy can help you process your emotions in a constructive way. The mental health professional can also gauge if you could benefit from medication and refer you to a psychiatrist if required.

We Can Help!

MHThrive provides Individual Therapy, Couples and Marriage Counseling, and Family Therapy at our locations in Katy, The Woodlands, and the Clear Lake area of Houston, Texas. We also provide telehealth therapy for anyone who resides within the State of Texas. To schedule an appointment with one of the MHThrive therapists, contact us at 713-477-0333 or visit www.mhthrive.com to learn more.

If you or someone you know is experiencing any mental health or substance abuse issues, New Dimensions can help. Our team of experienced therapists and psychiatrists can help you overcome these challenges and help you develop the skills you need to thrive. To schedule a complementary assessment or to find out more about our programs, contact us at 1-800-685-9796.

Online Treatment Programs provides Teletherapy Partial Hospitalization and Intensive Outpatient Programs allowing participants to receive intensive therapy with our licensed therapists and psychiatrists without having to leave home.  If you or someone you know is struggling to overcome depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, trauma, panic attacks, PTSD, alcoholism, drug abuse, or other mental health or addiction issues, we can help.  To schedule a complementary assessment or to find out more about our teletherapy programs, contact us at 1-800-685-9796.

The post How to Build a Life After Divorce appeared first on MH Thrive.

Some of the most common issues that contribute to marriages failing are: 

Inability to Resolve Conflicts

One of the most common reasons that marriages fail is the inability of the couple to successfully resolve conflicts.  Unresolved conflicts build up over time and create a wall of resentment.  Instead of listening and trying to understand to each other, each person gets dug into their side of the argument.  As a result, the couple often finds themselves in the same argument they have been in a thousand times before.  When the argument ends, each person often feels completely misunderstood and further convinced that they are right and thus justified in their anger. As a result, the walls just get higher and higher.  It is hard to have intimacy with someone who is completely walled off from you. 

Poor Communication Skills

It is hard to resolve conflicts without effective communication strategies.  Many people think that if they yell louder or push their points more forcefully that it will finally get through to their spouse.  Instead, it often does the opposite.  Imagine someone unexpectedly banging on your front door.  Do you rush to open it, or do you lock the door to ensure that an intruder doesn’t get it?  If we feel attacked or unsafe, we tend to pull back to protect ourselves.  Yelling at each other never makes anyone feel safer and more open to each other.  Alternatively, some couples tend to fight in silence.  The angrier they get the more they withdraw and withhold.  Both of these communication strategies can begin to create the conditions for a failed marriage. 

Infidelity

Infidelity and affairs can obviously lead to the demise of a relationship.  However, what most couples don’t realize is that many affairs are the result of a lack of emotional intimacy within the marriage.  When a person begins to feel completely alone and disconnected from their spouse, they often start to think that they don’t have anything left to lose.  An affair becomes a short step when the friendship, communication, and loving connection in the marriage has deteriorated.  As a result, affairs are often the symptom of the underlying problems in the relationship.  However, there are some instances where affairs occur for other reasons, such as sexual addiction, sexual identity issues, or a general lack of commitment to the marriage.   

Mistrust

Sometimes mistrust occurs because of baggage from old relationships or from family of origin issues.  If you feel like everyone always leaves you, then it often feels appropriate to believe that your current partner will also leave you.  The thought often becomes, “How do you trust someone when you couldn’t even trust your own parents?”, or “My last spouse cheated on me and so I know that you will too.”  Unfortunately, this general mistrust can end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.  The mistrust and accusations can begin to create resentments, which can lead your partner to emotionally withdraw from the relationship.  The more that they withdraw, the more that you feel justified in your mistrust, which leads to more withdrawal.  

Alcoholism and Substance Abuse

Alcohol and drug abuse can have a profound impact on a marriage.  It is hard to feel emotionally intimate with someone who is drunk or high all of the time.  In fact, it is not uncommon to feel like your spouse is having an affair (with alcohol or drugs) when they are active in their addiction. Suppose feels like they would rather spend time with the alcohol than spend time with you.  It becomes very difficult to create or maintain emotional intimacy because the alcoholic or addict tends to spend increasing amounts of time either using, recovering from their use, or preparing for the subsequent use.  Obviously, this can create a great deal of anger and resentment which can further erode the connection to the marriage.  

Other Addictions

Gambling addictions, porn addictions, and sexual addictions can also destroy the trust within a marriage.  Addicts tend to lie in order to cover up their behavior and protect their access to continuing the behavior.  The more they lie and the more unreliable they become, the more it erodes the emotional bonds within the marriage.  If left untreated, addictions can lead to the demise of even the strongest marriages. 

Unresolved Issues from the past

Unresolved trauma, grief, betrayals, abuse, abandonment, or other issues from the past can create barriers to emotional intimacy.  The more painful the past, the more potential it has to impact your current relationships.  Small arguments can become huge arguments because the feelings from the past can get mixed in with current feelings during an argument.  It can become difficult to resolve arguments when you don’t know why the feelings are so intense.  Fortunately, therapy can help you deal with the baggage from the past so that it doesn’t invade your current marriage. 

Finances

The inability to successfully navigate financial issues can create significant problems within a marriage.  Money represents a lot of things to people.  For example, for some people, money represents security, while for others it represents freedom.  Since couples typically have a limited amount of money, they have to learn to communicate effectively about money.  The fewer couples agree about finances the more stress it tends to place on the marriage.   

Inability to manage anger

Everyone gets angry sometimes, especially in relationships.  However, if anger is expressed in unhealthy ways, it can begin to destroy a marriage.  The more a person feels attacked, threatened, or hurt, the more they tend to withdraw in order to protect themselves.  On the other hand, some people who feel attacked, simply attack back.  This tends to create an ever-increasing amount of intense volatile arguments.  The more volatile the arguments become, the more it puts the marriage at risk. 

Disagreements about parenting

A lot of conflicts can get created when couples disagree about the best way to parent children.  These disagreements can lead to long-term resentments which can escalate over time, especially when children become teenagers.  Kids often feel the tension between their parents and then tend to act out in ways that heighten the tension.  The greater the tension, the more stress that it puts on the marriage.   

Blended family issues

Blended families experience unique stressors.  Some of these stressors include changing expectations, conflicts with ex-spouses, unclear rules about how non-biological children get parented, struggles to blend finances, new rules about chores and responsibilities, and how to create time to be a couple.  If not successfully resolved, these stressors can make it difficult to maintain emotional intimacy. 

Extended family issues

Extended families can create a lot of stress on a marriage.  For example, historical expectations about how holidays are spent can lead to conflicts.  What do you do if your spouse wants one thing, and your family of origin expects something else?  In addition, what if your spouse and your family don’t like each other?  Just because you love your spouse, doesn’t mean your family will feel the same way.  This can obviously create a lot of tension in the marriage and if not successfully managed can lead to problems within the marriage. 

Conflicts about sex

Arguments about sex are not unusual in a relationship.  How these arguments get resolved matters.  If left unresolved, arguments about sex can lead to resentment and feelings of being unloved and unwanted.  

Abuse

Physical, emotional, sexual, and financial abuse can all threaten a marriage.  If you are in an abusive relationship, it is important to get help.  Healthy relationships don’t’ tolerate abuse.  So, don’t learn to tolerate the intolerable.   

Marriage Therapy Can Help!

If your marriage is struggling, marriage therapy can help.  As a couple, you can acquire the skills to resolve conflicts and communicate effectively.

We Can Help!

MHThrive provides Individual Therapy, Couples and Marriage Counseling, and Family Therapy at our locations in Katy, The Woodlands, and the Clear Lake area of Houston, Texas. We also provide telehealth therapy for anyone who resides within the State of Texas. To schedule an appointment with one of the MHThrive therapists, contact us at 713-477-0333 or visit www.mhthrive.com to learn more.

If you or someone you know is experiencing any mental health or substance abuse issues, New Dimensions can help. Our team of experienced therapists and psychiatrists can help you overcome these challenges and help you develop the skills you need to thrive. To schedule a complementary assessment or to find out more about our programs, contact us at 1-800-685-9796.

Online Treatment Programs provides Teletherapy Partial Hospitalization and Intensive Outpatient Programs allowing participants to receive intensive therapy with our licensed therapists and psychiatrists without having to leave home.  If you or someone you know is struggling to overcome depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, trauma, panic attacks, PTSD, alcoholism, drug abuse, or other mental health or addiction issues, we can help.  To schedule a complementary assessment or to find out more about our teletherapy programs, contact us at 1-800-685-9796.

The post Why Do Marriages Fail? appeared first on MH Thrive.